Touching the dead: Autoethnographical reflections about the researcher's body in the field of death, dying, and bereavement.

This essay presents an account of the influence of the researcher's body within qualitative death research. It suggests that appropriate reflection on the researcher's subjectivity should consider his or her own bodily performances and experiences. At the beginning I offer some introductory thoughts in this regard, referring to Plessner's distinction between 'being a body' (Körper-haben) and 'having a body' (Leib-sein). Here, I highlight the importance of autoethnographic approaches for the understanding of bodily experiences, such as sensations, perceptions and their aesthetics. To demonstrate the importance of considering the researcher's body within the research process, I then draw on my own autoethnographic material, discussing how I experienced in my body frightening and disturbing feelings while dealing with the dead. This material was collected during a six-month internship from April to September 2016 at a small funeral home in Thuringia, Germany. I explain how I was socialised regarding my bodily behaviour towards the dead years ago and how I acquired the knowledge that touching a corpse is often taboo; describe my bodily reactions when I saw a dead body for the first time during my internship and how these reactions influenced my fieldwork; relate how my senses and perceptions when first touching a corpse led to extreme responses that drew most of my attention to the haptic and sensual dimension, making me unable to notice other information in the field; and show how these bodily experiences crossed borders and influenced my life beyond my field research.