For decades, bioadhesive materials have garnered great attention due to their potential to replace sutures and staples for sealing tissues during minimally invasive surgical procedures. However, the complexities of delivering bioadhesives through narrow spaces and achieving strong adhesion in fluid-rich physiological environments continue to present substantial limitations to the surgical translation of existing sealants. In this work, a new strategy for minimally invasive tissue sealing based on a multilayer bioadhesive patch, which is designed to repel body fluids, to form fast, pressure-triggered adhesion with wet tissues, and to resist biofouling and inflammation is introduced. The multifunctional patch is realized by a synergistic combination of three distinct functional layers: i) a microtextured bioadhesive layer, ii) a dynamic, blood-repellent hydrophobic fluid layer, and iii) an antifouling zwitterionic nonadhesive layer. The patch is capable of forming robust adhesion to tissue surfaces in the presence of blood, and exhibits superior resistance to bacterial adhesion, fibrinogen adsorption, and in vivo fibrous capsule formation. By adopting origami-based fabrication strategies, it is demonstrated that the patch can be readily integrated with a variety of minimally invasive end effectors to provide facile tissue sealing in ex vivo porcine models, offering new opportunities for minimally invasive tissue sealing in diverse clinical scenarios.